It was such a chore! Also CYOA books were always about boring crap like knights and dragons and other medieval nonsense that didn't really interest me. They always involved a lot of page-turning and book-marking and remembering shit. When I was little, I hated Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. But now, after reading Texas Biker Zombies from Outer Space, I realize that those CYOA books of my childhood just did "Fucking GUNS are fucking AWESOME and when you SHOOT them at SHIT, they fucking KILL it." "Fucking GUNS are fucking AWESOME and when you SHOOT them at SHIT, they fucking KILL it." When I was little, I hated Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. I’m gonna shower now, and wash the zombie stench off. I’m dizzy and I’ve got paper cuts all over my body from turning pages and dropping this book between the tub and the toilet. Wait…no…a pulse is totally optional, and so is a brain for that matter, which is a good thing, because funny, badass, brainless entertainment is TBZfOS’s most alluring characteristic. Would I pack it in my Doomsday Prepper pack? HELL YES! It could be a cautionary tale for the next generation of zombie fucking white trash idiots who ride around making poor life choices while looking for blow and fucking anything with a pulse. But, I would DEFINITELY fuck it, and THEN murder it (or vice versa depending on my mood). Would it be my “MARRY” choice in Murder, Fuck, Marry? Probably not. Who knows, I might find me some Ivy-league co-ed zombie strippers working their way through Harvard. I’ve decided to put down my gun, hop into one of them abandoned wagons, and head myself East. I have died so many times today I feel like Kenny from South Park. Most of all, I’m tired of these fucking zombies. Dear Diary: (And by the way, what the ef were you doing on the First Edition shelf between the Vampyros Lesbos script and the Warren Commission Report?) I’m tired of getting’ bitten, bashed, blow’d up, and bitch slapped. Maybe that nappy headed ninja was right? Maybe I just WISH Tony Romo was a gay cowboy so we could sing Texas show tunes together, and ride bareback with the wind in our hair. I'm not sure, but I think an African American with a "nappy head" is still kinda racist. Dear Diary: My badass outlook on life has been renewed. Good day, but I thought there'd be alot more racist, hillbilly, shit-talking, gut-eating zombies, with a few kittens thrown in for good measure. Went to work, killed my boss, died a few times, pissed my pants, almost died again. Dear Diary: woke up with a 'cain over. I love the smell of bizarro in the smells like.TROUBLE. The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak. If you're anything like me, though, you WILL enjoy guiding this prick of an alter ego into the gnashing jaws of death, time and time again. You will find yourself doing things you would NEVER do in real life. The only way you will enjoy this book is by checking those hang-ups at the door, revving up the hog, and peeling off into the mind of DeForest's idiotic, toolbag, ASSHOLE of a protagonist. Simply put, you will not enjoy this book if you give two shits about other people! You will not enjoy this book should you fail to grasp what a coked-out, white trash sociopath might get up to in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. You will not enjoy this book if you cannot tolerate politically incorrect humor. Have you ever wanted to survive the zombie apocalypse as a coked-out, white trash sociopath? If so, please look elsewhere - you will never survive DeForest's completely tasteless, offensive, and downright awful Texas Biker Zombies From Outer Space. You will not enjoy this book should you fail to grasp what a coked-out, white trash sociopath m WARNING: For immature audiences only! But how much fun would THAT be, anyway? You will not enjoy this book if you cannot tolerate politically incorrect humor. WARNING: For immature audiences only! Have you ever wanted to survive the zombie apocalypse as a coked-out, white trash sociopath? If so, please look elsewhere - you will never survive DeForest's completely tasteless, offensive, and downright awful Texas Biker Zombies From Outer Space.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |